So, I made this for someone I know. I think we all know someone like this. Enjoy.
Feel free to send it as a Christmas card. I think I might.

The Year of the Rooster

Picture 1

Somehow, an innocent trip to the park ended up in a picture of me grabbing on to a huge pair of testicles. OK, to clarify they weren’t actual testicles, but in Picture #1 here you’re thinking, Could of fooled me, right?

Right. 

Just fyi, this is an example of the hyper-sexualization of our culture and proof of the fact that apparently nothing and nowhere is safe and you can’t even take a trip with friends to the park (which is right across from the zoo, by the way) without getting a gigantic pair of testicles in your face. I mean, really.

To be fair, the bronze statue in the picture was one in a 12-piece installation by a Chinese artist who is either in jail or was imprisoned in jail for his art or his politics, or both. I guess in China it really makes no difference and I think you’re pretty much jailed for being creative. Anyway, I ended up standing in front of this particular piece because I am a rooster. In the Chinese zodiac, that is. And technically, I'm actually holding on to the dangly part of a rooster throat, which Google said is called a wattle.

The other 11 pieces included a kick-ass dragon, a lion, a snake, etc. My sign is the rooster. No harm there...or so I thought. 

Usually, the only thing I avoid more than a flashing camera is my boss in the mornings, but it was a nice day, the sun was shining and I was in a good mood.

So, when my sister’s fiance said to me Wouldn't it be nice to get a picture in front of your Chinese zodiac symbol?! I thought, Yeah, that sounds like a pretty cool picture! 

All the Vitamin D must have stopped the neurons in my head from firing and realizing that he wasn’t nearly half as interested in taking shots of anyone else in our group in front of their own zodiac signs...

I was puzzled, to say the least, when he sent me Picture #1 above, not completely understanding how a delve into the great outdoors had taken such a wrong turn, and I considered that this kind of incident is exactly why I usually avoid the great outdoors in the first place. Instincts, y’all. Granted, I was mildly annoyed when everyone had a great belly laugh at my expense. But I was actually a good sport about the whole thing (really good, considering). 

I didn’t say, Please don’t post that to FB, or Please don’t email that to my colleagues. Nope, I actually decided to be as nonchalant as possible because I knew that if I told him not to post the picture to FB then he would DEFINITELY post it to FB so I let it roll off my shoulders, like the rap songs say to do (or something to that effect). 

Besides, I realize that persuading your fiancee’s sister to hold on to what looks like a pair of giant rooster testicles and smile for the camera is, naturally, on somebody’s bucket list somewhere. I’m understanding like that.

All I asked (in fact, the only thing I asked) was since he was having such a good time with me as the photo subject, could he test his photoshop skills and make my arms look like Keira Knightley’s. I thought that if I was holding on to a pair of balls and smirking like a jackass I wanted to at least see how I would look if I was a super skinny porn star. (Not a surprising request, considering I am a woman and completely aware that hyper-sexualization is the demise of our civilization and yet desperately trying to live up to its standards in every way). I could go on about hyper-sexualization but I think Ashley Judd said it all, and who can top that?

Picture 2

So you can understand why, after receiving picture #2, I was, frankly, quite pissed off. Would it have been so difficult to indulge the request of someone you captured in flagrante like you were paparazzi, and someone who barely said a word as you got your laughs in? I think not. 

Anyway, there’s really no point to this story, except a warning: Not even the zoo is safe. Wherever and whenever you least expect it there could be a pair of animal reproductive parts lurking around the corner. Even at the park. Constant vigilance.

And never trust strangers, but also don’t trust people you think you know, too because before you know it the digital camera clicks and you will forever be captured as the girl that groped the humongous rooster testicles.

Now that I think about it, The Girl Who Grabbed the Rooster Testicles sounds like a great title for a bad-ass book so don’t bother stealing it because I already posted it to my blog and emailed the first chapter to myself. So technically, you’re screwed and I may be a millionaire. 

And guess who will not be getting any of my Rooster book royalties? Yes, you guessed it, the paparazzi.

Sometimes, karma’s a bitch.

Job hunting and planning a wedding...The circle of life is alive and well.

Tasks

1. I must find a new job. Not negotiable.
2. I must plan my sister’s wedding. Not negotiable.
3. I must lose 10 pounds for sister’s wedding. More like dream scenario. Not exactly best way to negotiate with self.
4. I must learn how to plan a wedding. See number two.
5. I must stop eating chocolate donuts. And plantain chips. This could be the most daunting of any of these tasks, including planning the damn wedding.
6. I have to apply to jobs, but I keep getting distracted by kitten pictures.
7. Wedding boards on Pinterest are fu*%$!g awesome, but when the hell will I find the time to make any of that shit?
8. In my mom’s words: I am not a responsible person. But I still want a kitten...Presumably because the things on this list are creeping up and scaring me, so I want to assume the fetal position. If I had a kitten I think I would be less scared.
9. A kitten would love me.
10. I would love a kitten. And the circle of life continues.

Why it's important to wear nice shoes.

Head over Heels - When life threatens to crush you.

Sometimes, life starts pushing at you in various forms. Your job, your family, your friends - each piece eventually melds together to become one blinding force that you feel is going to overwhelm you.

As a protective mechanism (and maybe a reflex, the older you get) you push away all the things that frighten you or make you uncomfortable. In your inner sphere, your goal is to include only those things or people that act as a balm to you. The rest you will willfully ignore because it’s a threat to you.

But ignoring only leads to a time bomb. The blinding force is still there, albeit unseen, and one day, when you least expect it, it can fall out of the sky and crush you.

• Maybe it’s your boss, who demands too much from you and can’t stop to appreciate what you have done and instead focuses only on what you haven’t. Your In-Box and your flagged items become a slimy, one-eyed monster that you can’t escape, but which you cannot kill. Yet. Push.
• What if a small paycheck (or none at all) have left you in a state of fear and speechlessness? Push.
• There might be a new person in your life who gives you all sorts of great feelings, but in a heartbeat can erase all the good and drag you into a vicious negative thought cycle. Maybe said person makes you question if you shouldn’t keep looking, since you’re afraid they already have. Push.
• What about that pile of books on your desk that you haven’t made a dent in? You might keep promising to make a little time everyday and get through the books. The stressor could be that you keep breaking these promises and revile yourself even further because of it. The books, you understand, are not the issue, but your own failed attempts to ever make progress, with anything. Push.
• Maybe it’s the scale in the hallway, which refuses to recognize the pounds you’re determined to lose and insists on showing you the wrong weight. Every day. Push.
• Maybe it’s your quest to quell the emotional roller coaster that brings you up and brings you crashing down. The search for the right prescription, the right supplement, the one thing that could fix you, but is just out of your reach because the universe likes to laugh at you. Push.
• I know sometimes I worry about my grandmother. I want to make enough money so that I can buy her everything she needs to live comfortably and stop working. At 70 years old, she is still working. This is a good thing - working after retirement staves off mental decay like Alzheimer's. But I wish I could make enough so that she only had to work for fun, not because she's worried about making her house payments. I’m afraid I will never make enough in time to help her. Push.

Sometimes, life pushes. And we have to push back. Even if it’s awful and it’s overwhelming and it’s difficult and we hate it. We have to push because quite frankly, there is no other choice. But when life threatens to crush you, take some time out and protect yourself. Sometimes, a weekend by yourself or a veg in front of the couch is good for you. Write, read, cook, cry. This may not be enough, so find what works for you. Find a support group. And yes, sometimes you have to admit that you need support.

When I get overwhelmed and I feel like I’m about to be pushed head over heels on my face I try to remember that there are so many people in the world suffering, starving, dying. I know that I can’t fix that either, but it gives me perspective. And you can push back little by little to regain your footing. Baby steps.

Sometimes, I go shopping. And the comfort I get in that is knowing that I may be head over heels and overwhelmed, but I’ve got on a great pair of fuckin’ shoes. And it’s a bit easier to push back.

Maybe it's a great pair of shoes or a favorite movie. Share your push-back methods.

Dr. Seuss - Today you are you.

Inkscape.

6 ways to deal with procrastination

6 ways I have tried to deal with procrastination.

1. Make a list with all current projects I am procrastinating on.
2. Tomorrow, go over list and write down the reason I am putting said projects off.
3. Next week, make a new list, an UPDATED list, that lists NEW deadlines for these projects.
4. After one month, revisit UPDATED list and determine if will meet deadlines.
5. If not, scratch current projects and start all-new projects, as previous projects obviously are not working out.
6. Buy new notebook to write down new list of new projects.

There must be a better way. In the words of Scarlett O'Hara, I'll think about it tomorrow.

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The Freedom of Unemployment

I read an article in the New York Times today about a college graduate who has been unable to find a job. Scott Nicholson graduated in 2008, but it seems the state of the economy hasn’t afforded him any good opportunities to put his skills to work. His parents are worried and frustrated, but Nicholson is pretty optimistic. Recently, he was offered a job at an insurance agency with a salary of $40,000 a year, but he had one problem with that offer: he chafed at the idea of telling his parents he had turned the job down.

Nicholson said he doesn’t want to get buried under the weight of dead-end work, and who can blame him? Once we get caught up, we’re caught up. And there’s a big fear that those early years will turn into twenty years and before you realize it all the ideas, hopes and freedom you had are swept away with the tide.

Nicholson isn’t handing over his 9 to 5 time to just any company. He knows the value of his freedom and he’s not giving it up that easily. The article, entitled “American Dream is Elusive for New Generation”, details how this recession has left the millenials (18-29-year-olds) in one of the worst positions: with a nearly 14 percent unemployment rate, comparable to that same age bracket during the Great Depression. But the American dream isn’t elusive for millenials; it’s just going to take a little longer to kick-start that engine.

After all, this dream is based on freedom and the idea that anyone who works hard and maybe has a good idea can succeed in this nation. Nicholson believes it and he’s been more able to wield the power of that idea by waiting for a career move that can give him more of what he wants out of life. Isn’t that what we all want anyway?

Of course, Nicholson’s parents are at comfortable income levels and he doesn’t have to take any job just to get a paycheck. He doesn’t have to pay rent or pay back student loans, but he knows that if he takes just any job his freedom and his quality of life will suffer. That’s one sacrifice he isn’t willing to make. And I applaud it. We want to work, but we want an environment we can thrive in. We have seen the effects on our peers and our parents, whose lives have taken the tolls of going to work and not really liking it, and we want to steer away from it as much as possible. I understand the feelings of futility, frustration and numbness that are left over after writing and mailing cover letters and hearing only the gentle hum of silence afterwards. There are jobs out there, some that pay $15,000 and some that pay $40,000, but it takes a lot of courage for someone to hold out for something great.

Nicholson keeps himself busy: he does odd jobs for neighbors and is a volunteer firefighter. Believe me, after all the résumé-polishing and the anxieties of interviewing, volunteering and fixing fences for your neighbors seem like much more valuable uses of our time. I, like Nicholson, am optimistic. The freedoms we seek to pursue and preserve, for ourselves and our families, are waiting for us. And we’ll get there one day. We might have to wait a little longer for it, but good things come to those who wait. At least, that is our hope.